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Searching for my good mood

Some weeks I feel like my brain has been swapped out. They loan it to (or from) sane people for a couple of weeks. I’m not entirely sure at this point if I’m the borrower or lender. Some weeks, someone (mostly my husband) can do or say something and I’ll laugh. Other weeks (this week) I want to cry/scream/kill the nearest passer-by. The problem is, I’m on the mini pill. I haven’t had a period in 10 years, that’s been great but now I’m starting to wonder if it really is? I keep reading horror stories about what the pill does to you (ok these are random stories on the internet but still!) but this doesn’t give me a cycle so I don’t know where my hormones are at. I am, by nature, extremely impatient, when I say extremely, I mean to the extreme of extreme. I cannot tolerate slow walkers or drivers, being late, disorganisation and just waiting for anything in general. I am an absolute delight! My husband, on the other hand, is the extreme of the extreme, OPPOSITE! He dithers, he is never on time, and is quite possibly the most disorganised person I’ve ever encountered. Some days I literally feel like the head explosion emoji especially lately and I’m not even sure why! I’ve been back on anti depressants for a few months and they seemed to work for a bit, then real life hit and I’m behaving like a headless chicken. I’m lashing out and behaving like I want the world and everyone in it to hate me, or at least have a row with me. The last thing I needed was another bloody Monday! I skulked my way into the office, thankful to be the first one in and alone, praying that someone didn’t come in and breathe too loudly and force me to stab them. I begrudgingly ate my bowl of shreddies, whilst dreaming of a sausage & egg McMuffin and drank my water, whilst craving Coke Zero. After a while I actually started to feel a bit better. I had gone to work, the trains were ok, no one pissed me off at work and most importantly I’d not eaten or drank crap! What if the one thing that makes me feel so overwhelmed and out of control is just that? My lack of self control? Once I’d done my meal plan on my fitness pal, I felt like I’d got the reigns of my life back a bit, I felt a bit more positive about the week, like I could actually do this, like all was not lost. So now I have those bloody reigns back, I’m holding on tight!

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