This is still me ❤️

I've noticed something about my anxiety, which in turn brings Barry back. It seems to return when I have a lot going on or stress happening in my life. Thinking about it now, it's hardly a revelation, but previously I'd been so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't realised, I had thought my anxiety was permanent, now I realise I can control it (yay) Take this week for example, I am currently an agony aunt to about 3 different people, which I love as I love being there for my friends. My boyfriends ex is being a total pain and using the children as weapons again, one of his close family members is going through a break up and one of his friends has some mental health issues, we're going away for the weekend with the kids which is always quite stressful trying to get packed etc as we always end up arguing and to top it all off I am struggling to stay on plan. I woke up the early hours on Wednesday morning to thunder & lightening and then couldn't get back t

After a very busy summer, autumn is upon us. There have been weddings, holidays, a witch (crazy ex girlfriend) weekend trips and another leg injury. I have also decided to join slimming world as I was unfortunately finding the 90 day plan unsustainable, I love Joe but it just wasnt working for me. Slimming world however has seen me lose 5lb in 4 weeks, although I did put 2lb back on after a little trip to paris, but that's a given. As the shorter days and darker nights are creeping in, so is something else, my insecurities. I am becoming increasingly insecure and needy and I absolutely bloody despise it, which doesn't really help me feel any better about myself, it just gets added to the long list of "things I don't like about me" Take this weekend for example, my boyfriend went on his annual golf trip, he's been every year since before we met and I was actually looking forward to having the house to myself. I had arranged for some friends to come over on th

I haven't been on here for a while, what with a busy calendar, the last month or so has been a bit of a blur, which sadly hindered my 90 day plan further. As you have probably already seen, since starting the plan back in March, I have torn a calf muscle, had the flu and several colds, had a birthday, had a weekend away, come off of my anti depressants, had my best friends hen do, had my brothers wedding and then my best friends hen weekend. I just couldn't get a hold of it and felt something was always getting in my way. I bodged my way through cycle two, just, then got my cycle three plan only to decide that I want to start the whole thing again and this time I'm going to really give it my all. I finally have my mojo back after all this time and more importantly, I feel ready. Pretty sure having one month until my best friends wedding is also helping too. I've got my life coach friend onto the books so its nice to have someone to obsess about the plan with. We also w

I've been off my anti depressants for just over four weeks now. I was pretty happy with the fact that I had very few withdrawal symptoms apart from feeling like my brain was moving about it my head constantly and some very vivid dreams, that was until week 3. We took the kids away for the bank holiday weekend, which I was quite looking forward to. We had a good weekend, then it was time to come home. Usually I have the following day booked off so that I can catch up with washing and housework etc, but I only had 3 days left to take until the end of the year, so I decided as long as we left early enough I would be ok. Monday came and as usual everyone is slowly going about their business and getting ready to go swimming, whilst I am frantically trying to pack everyone's bags as we're supposed to be out of the apartment by 10, this is at 9:50am. The kids are following me around and getting under my feet and my boyfriend is just wandering around aimlessly as usual. At 11, h

My thoughts are with all of those people who were affected by the Manchester attack this week. Living in London as a child in the 80's, I grew up in the times of the IRA bombings. I was always taught to be vigilant. Usually in the East End, if someone left a bag or package somewhere it would have been snapped up and you would never see it again, but times were different and anything like this was now seen as suspicious. When I first started working in London at 19, having moved to Essex 5 years ago. My dad, who works in public transport, told me of a code they had at the station to alert staff of a suspect package and that if I was to hear this, I was to leave the station. Even though the IRA bombings had long stopped, I was aware that there were still threats around us. 15 years on and still everyday I listen out for the codes, I watch those around me and everyday I arrive into the London terminals wondering if something will happen today, its second nature to me now, it doesn

I've been feeling a bit "stuck" I guess is the only word I can think to describe it right now. Its like there is so much I want to do, but I am being held back, I'm not even sure what by. Is it me? My lifestyle? I'm feeling quite frustrated but I can't quite put my finger on it. Recently, I was doing my usual commute to work. It takes around an hour door to door, half of my journey is spent on the train. I've always loved working in London, I've been in the city for 16 years now (God I'm old!) The commute has never bothered me and I've had many different commutes in that time, including the Central Line, otherwise known as the Greenhouse on wheels. Yet the other day I decided that I wasn't sure if the city life was for me anymore. I started thinking seriously about my career future. I've never wanted to be a big cheese, I had a supervisor role when I was younger and although I am admittedly very bossy, I much prefer to be able to do m

I've finally finished cycle one of the 90 day SSS plan! Hurrah. It was a looooong road as I had to pretty much start it all over again because of injury then illness but I'm so pleased I finished it. I could have done better but the second time round I was beginning to get bored with eating the same stuff, it would have been fine for 30 days but not after 50 odd. I'll admit that the week before I was thinking of jacking it all in until after my holiday which is in 6 weeks, I wasn't feeling any different, why wasn't I a size 8 yet? I was due to submit on Friday but having come down with another virus (I've ordered some vitamins!!) I decided to submit a couple of days early in case I was still ill come Friday, it's Saturday now and I'm actually feeling worse, so good job really. I went down and got on the scales. I weigh in stones & pounds but you submit in Kg, I originally thought I had only lost 1 pound but when I converted it was actually 3 pounds,