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Cheating hearts

I am seeing a lot of adultery around me at the moment, it touches the lives of most people unfortunately and I am no exception. I am ashamed to say I have been on both sides of adultery and unfortunately, unknowingly, the other woman. It's very easy for people to have an opinion on this but everyone's situation is different, I'm not saying it makes it right, but I do believe in forgiveness. I have friends that have come through it for the better, its made their relationships stronger, or they have gone on to better things. Others it has destroyed their emotional side and they may never trust another person again. Others are serial adulterers, for the thrill, the chase, the attention. My instance was all wrapped up in one. I was 28, I had separated from my ex and I fell in love, well what I thought was love, but can now look back and see it was an escape, I'd been in a bad relationship with a really possessive guy, I was young and mistook his jealousy for love, I lost pretty much all of my friends and fell out with my family numerous times. After 2 and a half years of enduring this I finally broke free straight into the arms of my now ex husband. This was my first "normal" relationship. We went out to dinner, went on holidays together he got on with my family, I had my own social life. All the things I didn't have in my previous relationship. I did however develop some trust issues of my own. He & his friends would often go on about his single life and how he was a bit of a stud, I one night stupidly asked him how many girls he had slept with, to which he replied "over 100" I was devastated, I felt so inexperienced and my insecurities worsened. This was also fuelled by his constant obsession with my weight. I was a size 10/12 I wasn't skinny but oh god I was slim! What I would give to look like that now. I'd always had a pretty healthy outlook on food, don't get me wrong I never ate salads etc but I didn't diet because I didn't look at food like that, food was just fuel. But then I became obsessed with dieting and counting calories, which led to me depriving myself and then bingeing in secret to avoid the "should you be eating that?" And "you know I'm not attracted to big girls" he would constantly look at other girls when we were out, my self-esteem was on the floor. I remedied this in a very stupid way. Rather than leave the bad relationship as I was scared of being left on the shelf (at 24!!!) I also thought I would never meet anyone better, I sought attention elsewhere. I was always out, he was always working, he was obsessed with building an empire, he said he wanted to give me all the nice things in life but all I wanted was time & love. I told him this many times, he didn't want to know. He didn't really seem to care much about what went on in my life, I remember going home and telling him something funny that happened at work and he cut me off halfway through "this really doesn't interest me, I don't even know who these people are" I know what you're thinking. It's what I'm thinking while I'm writing this. Why did I stay? There were some good times of course. I just genuinely thought that was what a grown up relationship was like and no one spoke about it. In my mind I had a boyfriend who had his own business, a roof over my head & most importantly wasn't possessive, in fact he was the complete opposite. I always had a gut feeling that he was cheating on me, after we split I found out I was right. There were several girls over the years. This belief along with the need for attention & just being generally stupid & immature. I went out & flirted, even had a few kisses on nights out, nothing more, but it was still cheating. At the time, I didn't particularly feel guilty, I worked in the city and pretty much everyone I knew behaved the same, it almost made it seem ok. That along with the fact he was never around & when he was, he was criticising me. This became my excuse for my behaviour and he & I just drifted further & further apart. Looking back now, I think we were both just filling voids in each other's lives, we didn't even really have anything in common, we never did. I wanted the security of a relationship. After 6 years of being together he proposed. A friend had kind of hinted that he was going to, it couldn't have come at a more bizarre time as we hadn't been getting on at all. I later found out that just before he decided to propose he'd slept with a girl in an alley after a night out. Classy. I was so excited about the wedding, the wedding, not actually getting married to him. It didn't even cross my mind until I met my now fiancé and the thing I'm looking forward to is seeing him as I walk down the aisle not doing a seating plan or researching theme ideas. Little did I know that my life as I knew it was about to change forever.

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