The confession

After we got engaged, I felt a bit more secure in my relationship, nothing had changed really I think it was just the fact that he had made the commitment. We'd set the date for autumn the following year & I started going out less & didn't seek out the attention I had been. I felt "grown up" 9 months before the wedding, my period did not arrive. So I booked a doctor's appointment and because I knew that would be the first thing they would ask. I bought a pregnancy test and it came up positive! I was baffled, our sex life was practically non-existent, he was a very selfish lover, for someone who had slept with so many women he hadn't learnt much! How could there be a baby??? This was the Saturday night and my appointment wasn't until the Monday. We were both stunned and for the first time in my life, I wasn't sure about having children, which came as a massive shock to me, when had this happened? On the Sunday, I was still shell-shocked he (obviously) went to work. Not really wanting to be alone, I went to my friends we bought another 2 tests which thankfully came up negative and the following morning my period came. Hallelujah!! But that feeling of relief played on my mind for a long time after. 4 months before the wedding, I went to a summer fete with my friend. When my Nan had died a few years earlier I became interested in mediums, my friends and I went to see a few, but since my engagement I'd had to reign in any reckless spending. There was a medium at the fete & my friend went in and came out in tears, saying how good she was and that I had to go in. It was only £10 what harm could it do? I took my engagement ring off and ducked into the tent. The woman had frizzy hair, she reminded me a bit of mad madam mim from Disneys the sword in the stone. She spoke softly and I can't remember what she said at first until she said "I've got your Nan here" she described her perfectly, my Nan certainly wasn't an average lady. Then she said "there's something you don't want to do, you're going to do it for the wrong reasons, you're going to be so worried about upsetting everyone else if you don't do it, but she's saying please don't worry about everyone else, you have to do what's right for you" the only thing I could think of was the wedding. But I wanted to get married, didn't I? I didn't tell anyone about it, I didn't want anyone to know about the doubts in my head that I couldn't even face myself. I just carried on as normal and brushed it all aside. About a month before the wedding I went away with some friends for the weekend, I was having a great time and even when some rather good-looking guy was chatting to me and leant in for a kiss, I said no thank you and told him I was engaged. Later on in the night, my friend and I got separated from the group & ended up in a bar, unbeknown to me, she was checking out some guy across the bar, this was her thing so I let her continue, I was just drunk and having a dance. He came over and offered to buy us a drink, I always had this weird thing about strangers buying me drinks, I'd obviously read too many articles in the daily mail! I wanted to refuse, but she ordered for me and the next thing I know, him and his friend are over talking to us, whilst I was trying not so discreetly to pour my assumed date rape drink into a plastic plant pot. I was in great spirits and we chatted happily in a group before moving outside as they wanted to smoke. My friend and the guy were standing there flirting and me and his friend were chatting away, the next thing I knew we were sitting on a bench away from everyone else and I hadn't even realised, I was telling him things I hadnt really told anyone before, stuff I didn't know I even really thought until I had said them to him and it hit me, like a bus, an attraction I had never felt before in my life, I told him about the upcoming wedding, how I was having doubts, I hadnt even admitted any of this to myself. It was like I had known him forever and we had such a great night, at the end of the night we kissed and swapped numbers and I never expected to hear from him again, but a while later he text me thanking me for a great night. The next day I was all over the place, he was all I could think about, I couldn't even eat my food, the girls and I had planned to go to a bar for lunch and when we got there him and his friends were there. I didn't know how to behave, I had told him we were going to be here, but I didnt expect him to be there too. My stomach flipped and we were chatting and laughing about the night before and then we both returned to our friends and carried on with our day. As the evening was approaching, I felt like I had to take the bull by the horns, I had to see him again, it was a need I couldn't explain, I couldnt go home without trying to see him again. So I text and asked if he wanted to meet up later and he said yes. I was so excited I literally could not wait to see him, after we'd all had dinner and almost all the girls had gone to bed, he came to our hotel and we had a drink in the bar. The chemistry was ridiculous, I had never had this with anyone before. I asked him to stay the night. I know this was wrong and it was a terrible thing to do but I cannot explain it. There is nothing I can say or do to justify my actions, but at the time it just felt right. The next morning he left promising to contact me, I was literally floating. We texted for most of my 2 hour journey home and then reality hit me like a punch in the face! How could I stay in my relationship now? Regardless of what happened with this guy who lived miles away, I had cheated, not only physically but mentally. I wasn't sure which was worse. My head was a mess, I only knew one thing and that was that the person I was supposed to marry in a few weeks was not the right person for me. I had had a tiny glimpse into feelings & emotions I could potentially have and I'd never had them before what the hell had I been doing the whole time when I could have had this euphoria?! My boyfriend seemed overly please to see me which made me feel awful, he didn't deserve this I couldn't be around him I needed to think straight before I made any rash decisions. I spent the rest of the week going into work early & working late I just wanted to avoid my real life. I was still messaging the other guy, it was like an addiction. On the Thursday I met my friend for some drinks and drank more than I should have and went home & confessed everything to my boyfriend. He was furious and told me to leave and then called my parents, even tho it was the early hours of the morning. He knew that telling my dad would hurt me and that's all he wanted to do. I got a taxi to my friend's house & called her on the way, I'm not sure she could understand me through the crying. I wasn't upset because the relationship was over, if anything I felt relief but I was upset at the hurt on his face when I told him and I realised in that moment the reality of my selfishness. I hadn't really considered any of my actions and the effect they had on others. I got to my friend's house and We had tea and we talked it over. Then to my horror the door went it could only be 1 of 2 people, my boyfriend, or even worse, my parents. It was my parents, my mum walked in looking worried & my dad, my dad had a look on his face that I never ever want to see again as long as I live, it was anger, disgust & worse of all disappointment. "Is it true?" I couldn't even speak so I just nodded through the tears and he walked out of the house. My mum took him home & came back for me and I spent the night at their house. The next morning my dad could barely look at me. Worst of all I was supposed to have my final wedding dress fitting that day. My mum called them to cancel and said I would reschedule for the following week. I was in a complete daze, I didn't know what was going on, I couldn't think straight. My parents couldn't bear to be around me and went out for the evening. I had never felt so alone in my life. My friend invited me to a BBQ but the last thing I wanted to was to be around complete strangers, I offered to pick her up just to give myself something to do and I left earlier than I had to and just drove around just to get myself out of the house and its deafening silence. The following week went by in a blur of tears & arguments with my dad, with my boyfriend with myself. When my parents weren't avoiding me, my dad was quizzing me trying to make sense of it all, this wasn't how they'd brought me up and this wasn't me, they couldn't understand and I didn't have the energy to defend myself in any way, I didn't see how I could? My mum was convinced it was wedding nerves and that's why I was behaving the way I was. The following weekend I decided to get my things and stay at a friends, it was too awful at my parents, I needed to be somewhere where I wasn't being constantly judged, even though I deserved it. On my way, my dad called me, asking to see me, saying things needed to be sorted out, I didn't want to go, I wanted to run away but at the same time I felt guilty, I'd caused all this upset, the least I could do was do as he asked. When I got there my boyfriend was there, it was basically an intervention. My dad spoke to both of us, my boyfriend said he still wanted to marry me. Fuck. Then I was being asked if that's what I wanted. A huge part of me was screaming "tell the truth!! Say no" but the other part of me could see the desperation in all their faces, he still wanted to marry me, hadn't I hurt him enough? saying I don't want to get married would only cause further hurt. The wedding was a few weeks away, everything was paid for the honeymoon was booked. What the hell was I going to do??