Eating my feelings

It was 4:30am on a Wednesday morning and I was wide awake! It had been a hell of a week already and I was lying there having a word with myself. Weight loss hadn’t exactly been at the fore front of my mind over the last few days. I had a weekend away at a friends halfway across the country and almost got stranded in a blizzard on the 3 hour journey (which turned into four) I was definitely needing wine & food after that traumatising event! I had a lovely relaxing weekend and had a smooth journey home on Sunday, only to find out someone close to me had been taken into hospital at the weekend. I spent Monday visiting them, it was upsetting to see this once strong individual sat unable to do anything for themselves, I just wanted to pick them up and take them home! Luckily this was caught early and they are on the (slow) road to recovery with some amazing doctors and nurses tending to them. I thought I dealt with it pretty ok at the hospital but when I got home it started to sink in a little and I had a bit of a cry. I went back to work on the Tuesday and there was a lot going on, so I went in early to get my head down and ploughed through a few things, one of my colleagues, who is pretty rude to be honest, decided to play up, I was not in the mood for this!! I just don’t understand some people? Don’t get me wrong, I like to have a moan (spell check wrote that as mosh, not quite the same thing!) as much as the next person but for crying out loud, does it have to be everyday? The team is under some pressure at the moment and in times like these, in my mind, we should all pull together, however, not everyone seems to see it that way. I was feeling overly sensitive. I was regularly checking in at the hospital & trying to plough through as much work as I could, whilst old misery guts whined on in the background. On the way home I met my husband and we decided to go for dinner at the pub near the train station, not exactly in my meal plan but I didn’t have the energy to fight with myself. So I lay there on Wednesday morning, feeling guilty, until I suddenly thought to myself, bloody sort yourself out woman. You had one bad meal (and some wine obvs) you’re not going to break the scales yet, get back to it and stop worrying about something you can’t undo. Who is this early morning me? I quite like her! So do you know what people, at 5am I got myself up and into work bright & early and I was going to cease the bloody day. Fast forward 24 hours and it’s a very different story. After being full of beans until about 10:30 am the previous day, I spent the rest of the day trying to keep my head up and my eyes open, my enthusiasm for life dissipated and instead I felt, cold & most of all hungry. My week continued in an a very off plan way, I tried to be healthy when I could, but it usually went out the window by then end of the day, when I was craving chocolate and or wine. I was so frustrated, I wanted the focused me back what can I do to get this back? Why is this happening??Then I realised my problem, I am not very good with change. I had made my plans and decided what I would eat, where I would eat, when I would exercise etc, but life, as it does, had other ideas and I am just not very good at dealing with this, especially when there are emotions involved, my body or mind cannot seem to cope, I look to food and alcohol to resolve these issues. My body is probably so used to this reaction to my emotions, it's not even a conscious thought, it just happens and I believe doing those things make me feel better, when in actual fact they make me feel worse. What I have realised is that the exercise, which I have been neglecting and the healthy eating, which had fallen by the wayside, is what truly makes me feel better, I feel more in control and all round happier with everything. I need to find alternatives to food and alcohol to make me feel better and train my body and mind to recognise this. I am now filled with a new sense of purpose and determination. I have pushed my internal "reset button" and am starting again, I am not banning food or alcohol but I am not going to use them to cope when things don't go as planned. Instead I am going to try some new things.

I will not give up :)