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The Unexpected Truth

Making sense of my own head. This week has been challenging, eye-opening, disappointing, surprising and much more in between. After my emotional rollercoaster the week before, I took some time out to chill at the weekend. I had my friend Rachel over for lunch and I saw my parents on fathers day. On Monday, I finally felt like I had resolved an old issue. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted and I could finally move forward. The job front, however, was still lingering. I received an email from the agency asking about equipment, so I responded to that and then sent an email to the agent asking for an update on my start date. It had now been over two weeks since she last updated me and it was almost a month since I was supposed to originally start the job. On Tuesday, I had a doctor's appointment and then went out shopping with the mother, I was in a great mood and then I finally received a response from the agent. If you read Wednesday's post, you will know that after 6 weeks of messing around, the job is no longer there. I am now officially unemployed, with no job lined up, for the first time in my entire working life. For the second time that week, I found myself on my parent's sofa, seeking advice. I went home, wrote about it and toasted myself for not having an epic meltdown, although, I did wonder if it would come out at another point. The following day I was surprised to find I was in an extremely good mood, I felt so happy! I had my lashes done, got a massage and spent the afternoon on my laptop. That evening, I got messages from some of my friends who had read my post, they were concerned and I was honestly touched, I had written the post in a very positive tone. It made me really grateful to have people check in on me. On Thursday, I had a counselling session over zoom for the first time, I was excited to tell her about my breakthroughs in the week. I discussed some of my concerns and came off the call feeling even more determined than before. As the afternoon went on, I started to deflate. I had so many thoughts in my head all of a sudden and I felt completely overwhelmed. I wanted to cry, I wanted to run, I wanted to hide. It was like I had forgotten to close the door on my negative emotions and after being locked away for a few days, all came tumbling down at once. I wrestle with them, I don't cry and I know deep down that this is perfectly normal, I have to feel them, I have to let them out. It wouldn't be normal not to have concerns at this point, but I do have to keep reeling myself in from the point of catastrophe. The truth of the matter is. I am scared. I'm not scared of things I thought I would be scared of, like not having an income or job. What I'm scared of, is the unknown. How can I prepare myself for that? --- I just wanted to take a moment to thank you again for reading my posts. As you may know, I would love to be able to do this full time and this is something I am actively working towards. Part of this is to reach more people with these posts. From what I can gather, the platforms I post on each have their own algorithm and the more interaction a post gets, the more exposure they are given, so if you do enjoy a post, please do like/comment/share as this will really help. ♥️

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