This is still me ❤️

My thoughts are with all of those people who were affected by the Manchester attack this week. Living in London as a child in the 80's, I grew up in the times of the IRA bombings. I was always taught to be vigilant. Usually in the East End, if someone left a bag or package somewhere it would have been snapped up and you would never see it again, but times were different and anything like this was now seen as suspicious. When I first started working in London at 19, having moved to Essex 5 years ago. My dad, who works in public transport, told me of a code they had at the station to alert staff of a suspect package and that if I was to hear this, I was to leave the station. Even though the IRA bombings had long stopped, I was aware that there were still threats around us. 15 years on and still everyday I listen out for the codes, I watch those around me and everyday I arrive into the London terminals wondering if something will happen today, its second nature to me now, it doesn...

I've been feeling a bit "stuck" I guess is the only word I can think to describe it right now. Its like there is so much I want to do, but I am being held back, I'm not even sure what by. Is it me? My lifestyle? I'm feeling quite frustrated but I can't quite put my finger on it. Recently, I was doing my usual commute to work. It takes around an hour door to door, half of my journey is spent on the train. I've always loved working in London, I've been in the city for 16 years now (God I'm old!) The commute has never bothered me and I've had many different commutes in that time, including the Central Line, otherwise known as the Greenhouse on wheels. Yet the other day I decided that I wasn't sure if the city life was for me anymore. I started thinking seriously about my career future. I've never wanted to be a big cheese, I had a supervisor role when I was younger and although I am admittedly very bossy, I much prefer to be able to do m...

I've finally finished cycle one of the 90 day SSS plan! Hurrah. It was a looooong road as I had to pretty much start it all over again because of injury then illness but I'm so pleased I finished it. I could have done better but the second time round I was beginning to get bored with eating the same stuff, it would have been fine for 30 days but not after 50 odd. I'll admit that the week before I was thinking of jacking it all in until after my holiday which is in 6 weeks, I wasn't feeling any different, why wasn't I a size 8 yet? I was due to submit on Friday but having come down with another virus (I've ordered some vitamins!!) I decided to submit a couple of days early in case I was still ill come Friday, it's Saturday now and I'm actually feeling worse, so good job really. I went down and got on the scales. I weigh in stones & pounds but you submit in Kg, I originally thought I had only lost 1 pound but when I converted it was actually 3 pounds, ...

So I have spent the last few days feeling really sorry for myself. My mojo is creeping back but that little negative voice in my head aka Barry, is back for a visit and I didn't bloody invite him. I have my first ever cold sore, which I am convinced everyone is staring at. I can feel it growing like its its own person, I shall name him Colin if this carries on much longer. I don't feel like I have lost any weight or inches coming to the end of cycle one, even though I have still drank a fair amount of booze and had a few takeaways so probably shouldnt be surprised. This is making me panic as I have a hen do, a wedding and a girls weekend away coming up in about 6 weeks and everything I wear makes me look like a bound up piece of meat I havent slept very well for the last few nights which I think is making my head whirl, it's just constant chatter in my head: "Dont forget to...." "What if .... happens?" "Why did .... do/say that?" and the very p...

I've fallen down a slippery slope and completely lost my mojo. I am now in a vicious cycle of having good intentions, treating myself, hating myself and then feeling guilty about anything & everything. What a time to be alive. I was doing so well on my plan but I seem to have lost my get up and go. I'm not sure if it's because I am coming off of my tablets, because I am tired or because I am still unable to fully avoid booze. I feel great when I exercise and eat well but for some reason it's not enough to keep me going at the moment, I took Saturday off of the plan as we were out for the day and one day off has now turned into 4. God damn you bank holiday weekend! I woke up on Sunday feeling depressed, I didn't want to go anywhere, I didnt want to see anyone, I just wanted to shut myself away BUT this does not include my boyfriend, why can't he get this? Why does he not telepathically know that I need him to just come check on me every now and then, inste...

This post is dedicated to my friend and general life coach :) So after three weeks off of the plan due to the torn muscle and the tonsilitis I am now a week back in, sadly the drama in my life didn't stop there. I am at a stage in my life where I am happy and settled, I have some amazing people around me, I really am very lucky. Sometimes though, this reveals some of the people who have been not so amazing and unfortunately, this happened to be someone I had considered one of my best friends a couple of years back. I have this friend, we used to be really close, we went through a lot together, however the last few years I have become more and more frustrated as our friendship seems to have become very one-sided. Around the time I moved out of the area, she had her first child, all was good I went to visit her regularly and I would take time off of work to drive over to see her and the baby, who I later became godparent to. Understandably, she couldn't come out as much, but I s...

Last Friday was my birthday weekend, my boyfriend always takes me out for a surprise dinner & I was really looking forward to it. I had lunch with a friend and managed to stay on plan, I also bought loads of cakes and treats into work and didn't touch a thing. I was so in the zone. We went to a nice rooftop bar for some drinks and then headed off to the restaurant. We were waiting to cross the road and I went to run across and I felt a sickening pop in my calf. Oh the pain! Ouuuuuch! I managed to hobble to the restaurant hoping to walk it off. I got some ice from the waiter and LOTS of wine to try & dull the pain. The dinner was amazing, he took me to Smiths in Wapping which I love and it's very romantic AND I managed to eat healthy. Sadly the wine didn't work as I'd hoped and rather than go on for drinks after it was a taxi home. I'd planned to have a rest day on Saturday anyway, which was lucky as I could barely walk. I was feeling fed up and slightly pa...