How My Anxiety Affects My Self Esteem

The thing with anxiety is, that it’s always there, it’s never going away. The techniques I learned at my CBT sessions are great and do work, but you do have to work at it. I got a bit lazy. I finished the therapy in March, carried on doing the minimum (meditation etc) then there was a birthday and then we were off on holiday, great right? Not for Barry. I was feeling insecure, so instead of lying by the pool relaxing, I was comparing myself to everyone around the pool, thinking that my boyfriend probably wished I looked better. Why don’t I take care of myself more? All this whilst sipping several Pina Coladas I might add. I hated myself. All these negative thoughts I was having about myself were draining me, looking back now, I can see I was slowly slipping into a hole. I tried to put a brave face on but inside I was feeling quite sad, I put it down to hormones and got on with the holiday. About 6 weeks later, I received a letter from my ex-husband’s solicitor officially starting the divorce proceedings, before this we had tried to resolve this between us, but it was clear that wasn’t going to happen, we did not part on good terms. He was making ridiculous demands. Enter Barry. I got completely stressed out, he was asking for money I didn’t have, and I didn’t know where to start or what to do, my boyfriend tried to calm me down but I was too far gone in the state of what I call “Punch or Cry” I’m either going to punch something in a rage or burst into tears. My poor boyfriend, who although amazing and very understanding, didn’t know the right thing to say or do, everything was just making it worse. So I followed my instincts and called the only person I knew who would calm me down. My Dad. I went to work the next day and spoke to my boss, who was brilliant and very supportive, telling me to take whatever time I needed for solicitors etc. I booked an appointment to see a solicitor the following morning. I was so anxious that night I barely slept. Barry had become a full-time companion by this point, so any time it look like I might fall asleep he would whisper “what if you have to pay him thousands of pounds” even though I don’t have a penny to my name, it still worried me. It was going to be a long night.