This is still me ❤️

After we got engaged, I felt a bit more secure in my relationship, nothing had changed really I think it was just the fact that he had made the commitment. We'd set the date for autumn the following year & I started going out less & didn't seek out the attention I had been. I felt "grown up" 9 months before the wedding, my period did not arrive. So I booked a doctor's appointment and because I knew that would be the first thing they would ask. I bought a pregnancy test and it came up positive! I was baffled, our sex life was practically non-existent, he was a very selfish lover, for someone who had slept with so many women he hadn't learnt much! How could there be a baby??? This was the Saturday night and my appointment wasn't until the Monday. We were both stunned and for the first time in my life, I wasn't sure about having children, which came as a massive shock to me, when had this happened? On the Sunday, I was still shell-shocked he (o

I am seeing a lot of adultery around me at the moment, it touches the lives of most people unfortunately and I am no exception. I am ashamed to say I have been on both sides of adultery and unfortunately, unknowingly, the other woman. It's very easy for people to have an opinion on this but everyone's situation is different, I'm not saying it makes it right, but I do believe in forgiveness. I have friends that have come through it for the better, its made their relationships stronger, or they have gone on to better things. Others it has destroyed their emotional side and they may never trust another person again. Others are serial adulterers, for the thrill, the chase, the attention. My instance was all wrapped up in one. I was 28, I had separated from my ex and I fell in love, well what I thought was love, but can now look back and see it was an escape, I'd been in a bad relationship with a really possessive guy, I was young and mistook his jealousy for love, I lost pr

I always thought I wanted children, that's the role women play, we keep house and we have children. I spent my entire youth fighting this role, yet as I got older it became more appealing. When I married my ex husband at the age of 27, we had previously discussed having children. I said I wanted to be married first, fooling myself, and him, that I was a traditionalist, really I was just putting things off. I didn't know this at the time, I thought that I genuinely was a traditionalist, I wanted to do things "properly". I would be the first person on both sides of my family to do this. After we separated, my "plan" of having 3-4 children seemed to go out the window. It plagued me at times, I ached for what I thought was wanting to be a parent, but now I know it was more about wanting what I couldn't have. I had this desperate need to settle down, yet, I didn't want to grow up. I had missed out on so many years of just being on my own, I loved it. I

This morning I'm feeling utterly exhausted. I've been getting up at 5:30 each morning this week and 2 of them I have exercised, in addition to making my lunch, breakfast, tidying up the mess & getting ready for work. I'm sorely tempted to sneak a 7 minute snooze in the loo at work (this actually helps).
 I tried a top on this morning and it felt too tight so that's disheartened me and I'm also getting a bit sick of chicken. But as I walked to my office along the Thames, as my stupid train was cancelled, there is not one part of me that wants to give up.
 This most unlike me, normally I'd be reaching for something naughty by now telling myself I deserve it just this once as I'm tired, then I would write the whole day off for having a biscuit and go on to have burger for lunch and a takeaway for dinner, not this time. Maybe it was the delicious cinnamon French toast I had for breakfast or maybe it's just that for the first time in my life, I'm act

I do love a list. I actually bought a book last year called The 52 list Project, which I haven't got round to using, I have an app on my phone for my shopping list, I even have a list of things I want to write about. I think its stems from my mum, she always wrote a to do list of the housework etc and its such a great satisfaction to cross things off. Back in 2009, I decided to write a bucket list of things I wanted to do before I was 30 which I came across recently, I realised that I had actually crossed quite a few off, not necessarily before I was 30 but still. Some of them I looked at and wondered why they were on there in the first place . I've broke it down into sections below: Things I have managed to cross off the list. Things I still want to do. Things I have removed off the list New things to add to the list. 1. Been there, done that. Go to a football match Go to Paris Learn to shoot Go camping Go on a gondola in Venice Visit the Grand Canyon Eat in Dans le Noir Tr

Well that weekend went pretty quickly, but I have news. We have set our wedding date. Hurrah! We went to view a venue on Saturday and it was perfect, my boyfriend wanted a bit of a longer engagement but I don't want to wait too long, so we finally agreed on next May. Not only does this mean LOTS of planning, although we're keeping it pretty simple, it also means lots of weight loss is required. I realised, after reading a few people's reviews on lean in 15, that people had weighed & measured themselves at the beginning & end of the 3 month plan. Dammit! I had stayed away from the sad step since well before Christmas, when I realised I had put on 2 stone in the last 3 years. I got up at 5:30am this morning to get ready and after trying to put it off for about 10 minutes by tidying up random things in the kitchen, I reluctantly pulled the scales out and crept on. 5lbs I have put on 5lbs!! My heart sank. I then got out the tape measure, yep, measurements were more too

Today is a new day. Thank God. After yesterday's post, a good friend gave me her honest opinion of the situation with my boyfriend and I realised that he is not totally to blame and I am certainly not blameless. One of my best skills at work is communication, I have to deal with a lot of different people and always get good feedback on my communication skills. I also like to think I'm good at this with friends as well, I'm good at staying in touch with people and rarely fall out with people, so why am I so terrible at it in my relationship? After yesterday barely speaking all day I was still frustrated and angry. I had plans to meet a friend for dinner and he was playing football. I wasn't planning on drinking as I wanted to be healthy and also because I was so annoyed, but this was also the reason that I wanted to drink. I wanted to get away from the angry tearful feeling, so I went to lunch with a friend and had a couple of glasses of red. Ooh that felt better. Mist