It had a surprising outcome
We're halfway through the week! These days, I'm not sure if it's something to celebrate, as time seems to be moving far too fast.
At the weekend, I hit a bit of a wall. I felt like I had very little positivity left in my tank and it really irked me. I spent far too much time thinking of ways to replenish the sunny disposition I have come to enjoy.
The more I floundered, the more upset and frustrated I was getting until I stopped and asked myself, why I was clambering so desperately to feel happy?
Apart from the obvious fact that feeling low is rubbish and that I have a fear that anytime I start to feel crap my depression is coming back, I realised that without these miserable, low moments, I would not feel the giddy heights of happiness that I feel and I certainly wouldn't appreciate them as much as I do now.
So, I decided that rather than spend all my energy fighting with my feelings, I would embrace my Britishness and keep calm and carry on.
I rode those emotions like they were Seabiscuit.
I was completely honest with the very few people I spoke to, namely;
The bestie, who, on Saturday I told I would not be coming to the bbq she had invited me to because I had mount Vesuvius growing on my neck and my mouth felt like someone had been rubbing sandpaper on my gums.
And the husband to who I was sending occasional "warning" messages via WhatsApp with words to the effect of "I am not answering the door, I don't want to people today"
I found that by owning those thoughts and feelings and putting them out there, instead of pretending I was ok and making excuses for my behaviour, I could move forward, instead of spending my time overthinking, whether I should have gone to the bbq and being angry with the husband because I hadn't told him how I was feeling and he didn't use his psychic powers to know that I wasn't in the mood to look at another human being.
I extended this honesty to myself. Instead of forcing myself to write, because it was on my to-do list, I told myself I would do it tomorrow and that it was perfectly ok to eat as much food as I wanted because that's what I wanted to do.
No sooner had I extended this kindness to myself, I realised that I did in fact want to write, so I did and I didn't want to stuff my face, so I didn't. I was simply rebelling against myself, but when I gave myself nothing to rebel against and adopted an "anything goes" attitude, things got slightly easier.
I managed to get through the weekend with no casualties, apart from some relentless attacking of Mount Vesuvius.
When you feel like you are running on empty, take time to refuel in the best way that works for you. ♥️
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